Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Dreaded D Word

As the title of my blog suggests, I live in Toronto (YYZ is the airport code for my city). It's not a myth that most moms in this city put their children on day care waiting lists when they are about three-months pregnant. It can be that difficult to get a spot.

We were on 12 day care waiting lists, and through some miracle, a spot appeared at our number one choice. When I was told a spot was available I burst into tears. They were not tears of joy. They were not relieved tears. They were "OhmygoodnesssomeoneelseisgoingtobewithmybabyalldaywhileIamatwork" tears.

I go back to work mid-January and was hoping to keep Hannah home with me as much as possible until then. Instead, she'll start day care next week. So I can be around if any issues arise. And I won't have to take any sick days in case she falls ill (it would be horrible of me to WISH sickness upon her...even if that does mean more time for us to spend together). Plus, we have to pay for the spot whether she's there or not.

We've been to the day care twice. And each time, I've cried afterwards.

The day care itself is all I hoped it would be. The children are happy, the workers are responsible and it's close to our place AND my Mom's.

But my heart still hurts. How I am supposed to be OK with being away from Hannah? I carried her for 40 weeks (AND TWO DAYS) in my belly before spending almost every waking moment of the last 11 months with her. My mind just can't get around someone else feeding her, changing her diaper, playing with her - and this is where my green monster really comes out - hearing her giggle and seeing her million dollar smiles.

Did you ever watch the episode about why the Simpsons have no pictures of Maggie in their house? And then you find out Homer basically has a shrine to her at the nuclear power plant? I can see my desk area becoming like that. And I can see spending the same amount of time in the work washroom as I did when I was pregnant. This time it won't be to pee, it will be to collect myself and dry my tears.

Thankfully I have a few amazing co-workers who will make the transition slightly easier for me. One even has a daughter who is seven months older than Hannah, so I know I won't be the only one missing my child.

How did you deal with going back to work?

© 2012 YYZ Bambina. All Rights Reserved.


  1. I was pretty sad about it leading up to the day, but I adjusted pretty well. It made me appreciate the time I still have before and after work with my daughter that much more.
    But I won't lie, I was pretty happy to find out that she started walking at home, and even once she started she would rarely walk at daycare. I'm glad she keeps some of those special moments still just for me.

    1. I'm so happy she saved that special moment for you - I hope my daughter does too!

  2. I was only able to spend 6 months at home with both my babies. Unfortunately I make 60% of our monthly income, and we couldn't pay our bills with only my hubby's income. So we sacrificed and lived like paupers for 6 months with each baby. I loved so much being home with them. I was so sad to put them in day care. But it's true what they's harder on the mom than it is on the baby. They are so resilient. And they are happy playing in a new environment with other babies!

    1. Thanks Jennifer. Yes, she loves other babies...I know she will be happy there - you are totally right, it's way harder on mom than baby!

  3. Going back to work was really hard for me. I went back at 6 months and my husband stayed home with my twins. I loved my time with them, and while I love my job it was hard. What made it easier was that I work close to home so I would often come home for lunch. This led to many mid day changes of clothes as they really preferred to spit up on my work clothes!
    It is a hard transition but I believe that independence away from their parents is such a useful skill for our children to learn. When we put our boys in nursery school at two they transitioned seamlessly.
    Thinking about you and hoping the transition goes well for both of you!

  4. I know how it feels when we have to leave them at a day care with a total stranger. Being a mother of two, I have been gone through some hard times especially with the day care.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...